So there’s no misunderstanding, Onion News Network is a joke. But still…

WASHINGTON—Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a “huge mistake.”

“Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible,” said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error.

Struggling to control his frustration, Ryan said he prayed the costly mistake would not allow millions of American students to graduate with strong language skills. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) called for a full investigation into how the nation’s schools were able to secure the necessary funds to monitor teachers and pay salaries based on performance.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) … vowed to do “everything in [his] power” to resolve the costly error that led to schools updating their curriculums…

“Once these kids learn to read and think critically, you can never undo that,” Boehner said.

“It could take a whole generation to cancel out the effects of this,” Boehner added. (Full article)

Yeah, it’s a joke, but setting that fact aside for a moment, if we added basic combat training to the public school curriculum, Congress might be able to justify military-level funding AND end bullying…

-DR